


What Do You Want To Be?

by Wle0416



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Boys Talking, Established Relationship, Forrest Mentions, Hopeful Ending, Jesse Manes mentions, M/M, Maria Mentions, The boys need to talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:49:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26904649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wle0416/pseuds/Wle0416
Summary: After a few months of dating, Alex and Michael have a fight and realize they've been doing things all wrong.
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 36
Kudos: 115





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Imagine a world in canon where Malex do get back together but never talk about Maria or Forrest or other important things that happened in the past. Seems crazy, but you never know lol. 
> 
> I love my fluff but I was feeling angsty tonight.

“You love to re-write history, Alex. You love to pretend like you’ve been a saint, and I’ve been a screw-up all this time. It’s too bad, that’s a fucking lie, and you know it!”

Alex balled his fists up at his side, doing his best to stamp down the anger that was threatening to burst out of him in a violent tirade if he didn’t steady himself. He didn’t want to have this talk period, but more than anything, he didn’t want to have this argument in the parking lot of the Wild Pony on a semi-crowded Thursday evening.

“I never said you were a screw-up!”

“You don’t have to! I know that’s how you feel. Jesus, Alex, I didn’t ask for this life. And I’ve been doing everything I can to be better and do better, but it’s never going to be enough, is it? You still see the guy who drinks too much, and pushes and pushes.” The subsequent pause left Alex unable to breathe momentarily. “You see the guy who chose someone else. I’m always going to be that guy to you.”

“Guerin, I don’t want to do this here. I will call you, okay?” Alex tried to add some lightness to his voice, but he knew he sounded equal parts exhausted and cowardly.

Michael laughed loudly, but there was no humor in the sound. “Of course, you don’t want to talk. You never want to talk. You want to dump your shit on me and then run away.”

“I’m not dumping my shit on you!” Alex shouted and immediately regretted it.

Michael narrowed his glassy eyes. “You’ve been dumping your shit on me for years. And I’ve let you do it. I’m tired, Alex.”

Alex wanted to be the one to walk away first. He wanted to feel like the mature one who understood the limitations of this fight and made the decision to table it for a more appropriate time.

But Michael walked away first, leaving Alex alone and broken.

***

Two weeks passed before Alex called Michael and was sent to his voicemail.

He contemplated showing up at the Airstream at least three times a day since their fight. He imagined forcing himself inside if Michael wouldn’t let him in. Was it the right thing to do? No. But what else could he do?

He could wait. He could listen to what Michael said and think about it before reacting. Yes, he could do that.

And he did for fifteen days.

He figured Michael wasn’t going to answer his call, but that didn’t stop him from calling him late on a Friday night, hoping that maybe Michael would be out with his siblings and answer his phone without looking at who was dialing.

Alex wasn’t that lucky.

It took another two days for Alex to work up the nerve to call again. And this time, he had a whole message he’d crafted in his brain all day to leave the second after he heard that anxiety-inducing beep.

_“Michael, it’s me. I know you’re angry. I’m angry, too. I think we’ve both been angry for a very long time, and we’ve spent so much time letting that dictate our lives. We’ve had moments of pleasure, but…we’ve never had it together much. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want it to be like that anymore. I want to be…content. Whole. The only time I’ve ever felt close to that was with you. I just wonder what you want to be. I’m here if you want to tell me.”_

Click.

***

Things had been going so well that they should have seen this colossal breakdown coming.

Finally, taking the plunge to date had been easy once both parties had decided to get their heads out of their asses and give in to the feelings that never went away.

Casual hangouts giving way to purposeful dates, which lead to renewed intimacy and sleepovers. They were riding a high but didn’t seem to recognize that their high was contingent upon their desire to stay firmly rooted in the present. And that simply didn’t work when so much of their connection was directly tied to the past.

They never had conversations about Michael’s year-long relationship with Alex’s best friend. Or Alex’s month's long fling with a blue-haired Long.

They tried to start fresh, focusing on the here and now, but all they did was ignore past sins in favor of a lighter, newer tale.

It was foolish to think it wouldn’t lead to this. And perhaps they both knew it would, but they held onto the good for as long as it would keep them hidden from the pain.

***

It took three days for Michael to reach out to Alex after listening to his voicemail.

He wanted to drive his truck away from the Airstream and toward Alex’s house five minutes after he peeled out of the Pony parking lot, tears staining his face and snot repeatedly being sniffed back inside. But he didn’t.

More like he couldn’t.

He knew that night would have seen them both offer up a string of apologies and declarations to change, then fall into bed. Michael knew they needed time apart to meticulously think about the last three months and figure out why things ended here again.

Why they always ended here.

Alex’s phone went to voicemail.

“ _I’m ready to tell you what I want to be_.”

***

The sky was settling into a marvelous sea of muted colors when Michael pulled up to the parking lot of the Pony. The lot was nearly deserted, as the evening crowd hadn’t begun to make their way in yet.

Michael still found Alex parked off to the side where they’d be relatively unnoticed by the influx of cars that was sure to come. He parked next to Alex, and then exited his car, pulling down the truck bed and leaning against it. Alex joined a few seconds later.

“Back to the scene of the crime,” Michael muttered more to himself than Alex.

Alex put his hands in the pockets of his jeans, a trace of a smile coating his lips. “Neutral territory. And it’s a place we need to get past if this is ever going to work.”

“You’re not wrong.”

There was a long silence then, the only noise coming from the winds whipping around the desert.

“I want to be yours,” Michael finally spoke out. “It’s something I’ve always known. Something I’ve always wanted, even if I didn’t know it at times.”

Their eyes were locked in on one another, and Alex abandoned his warm pocket to reach out for Michael’s hand, which he accepted.

“We did this all wrong,” Alex was smiling as he spoke.

“And we really thought we were doing it right, too.”

“Yeah, well, functional adult relationships aren’t exactly something either of us has a lot of experience with.”

“I’m not going to apologize for the fight, Alex. I did feel that way. I think you try to see the Michael that’s right here, but you’re not convinced it’s real. And part of the reason is that you don’t even know why I’ve made certain decisions.” Michael squeezed Alex’s hand.

Alex shook his head in agreement. “You’re right. I thought just focusing on our feelings, and only that was our best shot at making this work.”

“I thought so, too,” Michael whispered. “But we can’t ignore the elephant in the room anymore. It’s too damn big.”

Alex slowly closed the space between him and Michael, close enough to smell Michael’s minty breath when he exhaled. “Where do we even start?”

“Let’s start at the beginning.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael and Alex have a talk that is long overdue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two need to have A LOT of talks, and this would realistically just be the start. But I think it's a good one.

“You know, what’s funny? One of my earliest memories is actually of my father being kind to me. I was maybe six, and me and my brothers were playing in the backyard, and they went off to do something and left me by myself. I tripped and twisted my ankle. I was crying for a long time before anyone heard me. Flint eventually got my dad, and he came and scooped me up. He kept telling me to stop crying because Manes men are tough, but he wasn’t cruel. He was trying to help me. It felt like he was actually concerned.” Alex spoke slowly and deliberately, eyes staring off into the distance and focusing on nothing. “I’m not sure that even makes sense.”

Michael gripped his hand and pulled on his arm, slightly bringing him back to himself. “Hey, it does make sense. When did he…change?”

Alex’s lips curled up into a lifeless grin. “Oh, that was just a moment in time. He called me weak over and over again the next few days when I was still limping around the house. He’s always been, just, horrible to me. And I tried for so many years to tune him out, but I could never escape his voice in my head. I still hear it, Michael. To this day.”

Michael dropped Alex’s hand in favor of sliding his arm around Alex’s broad shoulders, pulling him in close as the two sat next to one another in the bed of Michael’s truck. The Pony parking lot was slowly starting to fill, but they hadn’t noticed.

“I’m no expert, but I don’t think that’s abnormal. You experienced a lot of trauma at the hands of your father, and that’s not going to magically disappear just because he’s gone.”

“When did you get so wise?” Alex asked curiously, relishing in the warmth Michael provided him at that moment both physically and emotionally.

“I’m not that wise.”

“Okay, certified genius.”

Michael cracked a smile. “Have you ever thought about going to therapy?”

“I went for a bit after my leg, but my heart wasn’t in it. I was going through the motions and just saying what I thought people wanted to hear.”

“And what about now? If you went now, how do you think it would be?”

Alex twisted a bit, back tightening up and going ramrod straight. “I like to think I’d be more open. I spent a lot of time this past year just trying to get to know myself again, and there’s still more to explore. Talking to someone could only help me at this point. It’s interesting because I had this talk with-”

When Alex abruptly cut himself off, Michael dropped his arm, shoulders slumping a bit. “With Forrest. You talked with Forrest. We should talk about this, Alex. We should talk about you guys.”

“You’re right,” Alex said before resting his hand on Michael’s knee and not daring to speak until he felt the weight of Michael on his flesh. “Forrest mentioned to me once or twice that I should look into therapy after my dad’s death. I never went into detail about my past with him, but he knew I wasn’t exactly broken up about him dying.”

“So, why didn’t you go?”

“I wasn’t ready then. But it might be time for me.”

Michael took the answer for what it was and didn’t push back. Alex would come to his own decisions in his own time.

A few weeks ago, he would have made a silly joke and avoided this kind of heaviness, but they needed to be better.

“About you and Forrest. You mind as well rip the band-aid off and just tell me about you guys.”

“Forrest was, I mean, is, a great guy. He has some amazing qualities that I look for in someone. And to be honest, it was good to just feel wanted and desired by someone.” Alex could feel Michael’s thigh tense up underneath him, and he gave it a reassuring squeeze. “We weren’t right for each other. We broke up because it was a friendship more than anything else, and we didn’t want to waste each other’s time by pretending it was something more.”

Michael nodded, processing his words sensibly. “I was very jealous, you know.”

Alex gasped in mock horror. “Wait a minute, you were? You mean all those death stares you shot at him whenever we saw you out, weren’t you being happy to see him?”

“Haha. I tried really hard to look natural.”

“Well, you failed, Guerin. You royally failed.”

They both laughed in unison, a breeze coming through at that exact moment rippling the sound and sending small shivers down both their spines.

“I was happy, though,” Alex said once the laughter died. “We laughed a lot.”

“I know you were. I could see that.”

“It’s different with us, though. My happy with you is just...I can’t even explain it. I always want to feel that way. But the lows are…”

The beeping of a horn in the lot caused them both to turn their attention toward the front of the Pony. A small crowd of people milled about, and from their vantage point, it was hard to see what all the fuss was about.

Michael was about to hop down and meander over when they caught sight of Maria coming out and shooing the involved parties away in a way that only Maria could do. Cowboys twice her size cowering at her words and tucking their tails between their legs as they walked on to find another place to drink their sorrows away.

“She was born to follow in Mimi’s footsteps,” Alex remarked.

“She was,” Michael began. “I was happy too, you know. I was happy with Maria.”

Michael gripped onto Alex’s hand tighter, fearing he might lose it as he continued to speak. They both knew they needed this, but that didn’t stop it from hurting as bad as it did.

“I fell for her warmth and that feisty little attitude of hers. She kept me on my toes, and I liked it. I wanted to be around her and enjoy her. And I loved her, Alex. I did. I can’t take that back or pretend it was less than what it was. But since we broke up, I realized that part of the reason I went to Maria is that I was looking for an out. I was looking for an escape from my life. From myself. I know that I fell for Maria, but I’m not sure what Michael she fell for because I don’t think I was ever my true self with her.”

The declaration caught them both a bit off-guard, and soon enough, they were both fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall.

“Do you think you’d still be with her if she didn’t break up with you?” Alex willed the words out but hated how broken he sounded.

Michael’s head rocked from side to side, curls bouncing around. “No, I don’t. I mean that. But listen, that’s over, and done. I have no regrets about that. I want you to know that falling for Maria in no way took away from what we had. Or what I hope we can have.

“It took me a very long time to realize there was good in me, and I’m still fighting to remember that. There’s a boy inside me that still feels abandoned and afraid and mad. But I’m working on it, Alex. I promise you I am. I know you don’t always see it, and I don’t always show it, but I am working. I don’t want you to always see the punk kid who stole Valenti’s hubcaps because he was too much of a coward to tell you that he loved you with all his heart.” Michael’s words come out chopped, the dam finally collapsing, and the tears falling in earnest.

Alex didn’t know what else to do besides hug him and hug him fiercely, wishing there was a way for Michael to feel how loved he was by him.

“We can’t throw the past in each other’s face anymore. We have to find a way right now to make peace with it. We’re never going to forget it, and we shouldn’t. The Alex and Michael of right now aren’t sitting here freezing our asses off if all that shit that came before didn’t happen. But we’ve got to find a way to accept it and acknowledge it while moving forward,” Alex spoke into Michael’s curls, hands drifting up and down his back.

Michael broke free from Alex’s embrace to wipe at his eyes. “Okay.”

Alex leaned forward to brush his lips across Michael’s forehead. “I’m telling you right now with the galaxy and the parking lot as my witness, that I am going to listen more, not run away from the hard times, and be there for you in every way I can be.”

Michael’s face twisted into a wicked smirk. “Now those sound like wedding vows, darlin. I know you want to make an honest man out of me, but we’ve got plenty of time for that.”

“Will you shut up!” Alex nudged Michael with his shoulder, causing Michael to fall over slightly. When he righted himself, he leaned in and kissed Alex on his cheek.

“These past few months have been so good, but we needed this talk. And I want to continue to talk and talk until we’re sick of talking.”

Alex nodded and leaned his head down to rest on Michael’s. “Okay, but maybe once we’re sick of talking, we can do something else with our mouths.”

“Oh, and you think I’m the one with the filthy mind.”

They sat for a few minutes longer in the lot, eyes closed, and snuggled close. When Alex’s stomach started to rumble, they decided to head back to Alex’s for a late dinner, talking the whole ride over.

They both knew they’d barely scratched the surface in regards to talks they needed to have and the work they needed to do, but they were both committed to doing it. They were committed to each other.

Under the stars and the fluorescent lights of the Wild Pony, they started anew.

This time, it was for keeps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading guys :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! This one kind of came out of nowhere but if even one soul is interested in a follow-up, I will accept the challenge :)


End file.
